Hot Dogs are People, Too?

For some reason that’s none of your business, I had to Google “hot dogs” and view the images provided. As I scrolled through hundreds of pieces of hot dog-related content, I began to notice a cultural anomaly evidently more popular than I had ever realized before: People LOVE to create faces on hot dogs. Oh, and it doesn’t end there- They also create arms and legs and tails and tongues, all while arranging them into poses and gestures. Hot dogs lay on plates looking sad, happy, terrified, crazed, and one was a zombie hot dog…which is weird, and I think there was a gosh darn fucking pirate in there. The realization came hard and swift: Regular folks really wig out on wiener night. It got me to thinking how it came to this.

Let’s just be honest here… hot dogs are ground up leftover dead animal balls and hoofs and shit. It’s carcass scrapings just edible enough not to kill you too quickly, taste amazing, and pair beautifully with just about any condiment, no matter how zesty. Here’s how they are created according to me and some other stuff about that: Once the meat-leavins are properly whipped into delicious seasoned meat paste, it’s all shoved, and more importantly, perfectly shaped, into a maniacally straight sock of intestine, and balloon-knotted at the ends. Take a good look; the very tips of hot dogs look like dueling assholes. Someday, I recommend giving a hot dog a good hard squeeze, maybe at a family Q to impress the neighbors, and see if the ends prolapse some meat out. It’s a lot of fun and the kids get all crazy and screamy about it. In my heart of hearts, I guess I don’t mind all of this because I’ve eaten plenty of hot dogs, but the more I dig into the mysteries of the subject, the more I think I’d now rather eat cigarettes.

So, what is going on with these hot dogs’ faces? Why do human normies feel the need to personify a meat tube that will presumably be chewed and swallowed? Is it because hot dogs are just a fat meat snack from a faceless source? Is it a dominance thing, like, I need to know there was a face on my food at some point, so here it is? I think if you mix enough meat together it’s no longer anything. It becomes something else. C’mon, lips and feet were never supposed to be blended together and called one thing. Therefore, it’s evolved, so NOW you can use your imagination to give it any kind of look you like! Your own perfectly invented meat-creature. But seriously, I don’t know for a fact that that is it. It may be so much deeper than that.

I find most of the faces created, and the embracement of hot dog culture, in general, to be sweet and lovable, despite the awfulness of the whole thing. Folks look jovial and proud, using mustard, relish, peppercorns, and other delicious crap to create a happy smiling hot dog friend who absolutely can’t wait to be crushed by your teeth and swallowed into your shit-brewery. It’s your nutritionless servant, proud to be devoured by you. There’s no pain, just joy. It’s a smile that you get to eat. A character you get to take within thine self as you would the eucharist. It’s not like any of us are out there curing cancer or anything, so this is one of life’s little poisonous achievements, and like the fetal stages of drug addiction, it provides great joy.

Now, get out there, doll up your wienees, and munch down one mysterious little friend after the next. I can’t think of a better method of dancing your way to a heart attack than to create happy faces to fartfully shit out later. AND with a little luck, and perhaps a bit of whimsy, one of these little fellows MAY come out smiling harder than it was going in, so don’t flush too eagerly and keep your cell at the ready!

  1 comment for “Hot Dogs are People, Too?

  1. Brandy
    June 3, 2017 at 1:06 am

    I personally don’t want to see faces on my food or have hot dogs shaped into a squid or an octopus. I just want to eat them. In fact I wouldn’t be able to eat a hot dog at all of I saw a face on it. It would be weird and I would be thinking I’m eating someone. I would be thinking damn Mr hot dog I just murdered you and your entire wiener family. No faces on my wieners please, I prefer them faceless and since I’m shiting them out later, its just not needed. I don’t like anything looking at me and judging me when I’m shoveling them in my pie hole theres enough judgement in the world all ready,I don’t need it from food.

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