Hello creatures of Earth, and welcome to the germ-infested episode #169 of Ice and The Face on 10.6.17! Tonight we saddle-up our most diseased microbes, ride the human waste fields of this sad and miserable Earth-sewer, and, after a long and arduous journey, declare ourselves victorious atop the cesspool of human misery with cupcakes and helium balloons. On tonight’s episode, we take you on a romp hither and thither with such mind-blowing topics as: Fun with sauerkraut, Big Foot Juice, Candle-Day accidents, questionable bank robbery, old school social niceties, the ins and outs of saying god bless you, Xena the Warrior Princess and baths, hand-written letters, digging up graves for treasures, covered wagon etiquette, graveyard real estate, respect for the anus, wiping with too much enthusiasm, toothbrushes and toilets, how aliens would see humans, hacking smart butt plugs, stealing breast milk, strangers eating your waste, fun with severed hands, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
YES! THIS is Ice and The Face #167 -9.16.17- and it is here to shake you and scream gibberish at your face until you pass out! Tonight, we, Rick and Sarah, pull on our flashiest and most fashionable banana leotards and funkify your evening. Skipping merrily beside us is our blindest friend, Stonz. So strap yourselves in to your roomiest pillow fort and get ready to be whisked away to a miserable world full of whimsy and also depressing topics such as: Sea creatures vs land creatures, emotionless living, butter knife booby traps, a blob of fat and garbage in the sewer, legal farting, rough-housing and horsing around, problems with feces on dates, shooting at hurricanes, nose jobs gone wrong, eating pigeons, cockroach milk, sharks in the basement, breast milk, adventures at the urinal, motel living, extremely long eyelashes, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
There are days, like the ones I have had lately, where the word “chronic” literally rings through my head every few minutes. Constantly popping its head back up like a curse. It is the word that engulfs my entire existence, and even during times when symptoms are a bit reduced, the truth of the word follows every action I manage to achieve.
Being in my mid-thirties, now, I have lived through seeing many people I know or are connected to, get ill from various illnesses; some much rarer or confusing than others, and many of them very painful or complicated. After finding treatment, going through the healing process, they continue on, somewhat changed and more grateful for their health, to live the rest of their lives. I honestly can’t imagine what that might be like. Of course I have had many temporary things wrong with me through the years, whether they were illness or injury, just like you probably have, but all those things, from the least to the most painful, are so very different than what it is like to have a chronic illness and chronic pain.
I think it is pretty human to get used to things as they are once they are the same for long enough. I imagine this is why people say things like “time heals all wounds”, or “it gets easier every day”, when something terrible happens. Obviously the idea is that the bad thing has happened, life is continuing on, and the longer you spend living back in that reality, the more the terrible thing starts to fade from your foremost thoughts and emotions.
I say that to try to impress on you the true heartbreak a life of chronic pain and illness carry along with it. As symptoms flare and subside, which can happen for days, weeks, months, or even a year, we get used to the new reality. If we are “lucky” enough to have something that has hurt for five years finally start to subside for a small amount of time, our human nature, the part that lets all wounds heal with time, cannot help but get used to that small new freedom. It isn’t without complete skepticism, of course. I am well aware that any one of my symptoms subsiding momentarily just means they will be back at some later point. When that later point finally shows up, though, the heartbreak is hard to explain. “Chronic” also means a life of chronic disappointment. Something you could do last week isn’t necessarily going to be something you can do an hour from now. When enough hours have passed, though, where you could do it, the moment it is snatched away again leaves a hole much bigger than the last time it happened. The holes get so big over time that the abyss it creates swallows you, sometimes completely.
As you grow older with a chronic illness, you have to accept new losses completely outside of yourself. When everyone I knew had just graduated high school and were planning to go to college, I was calling the admissions office of the school of my dreams to keep persuading them to push off my start date because at the time I had a home nurse and was on IV medicine. I did this over and over again, so thoroughly determined to achieve this dream of mine. Except that dream, and many more, would never really be achieved. After so many delays I was finally told I would have to reapply for admission, understandably. I never did. I would never be in a position after that point where moving out of state, on my own, and doing every little thing from morning to night that every normal person does, would be achievable to me alone.
So you watch as everyone moves on to new aspects of their adulthood. Exploring the things they love and discovering what might one day end up being their careers. It happens around you much the same way you see those clips in movies where everyone in a city is moving sped up but the camera is focused on the one still person in the crowd. You watch the entire world move and grow around you, and you do not grow with it. You do not move on, you do not enter these different phases of life most adults you know do, because you simply cannot.
WOAH! THIS is Ice and The Face #166 – 9.1.17! Welcome back to the show. Yes, we know, saying “welcome back” implies that you’ve been away, when, in truth, we are the ones who’ve been gone. Yes, we were missing for several weeks, trapped in a small village just north of the Himalayas. We traversed an ancient land, learning the ways of the locals, sampling exotic delicacies (mostly random animal penis cooked over open flame), and coming to understand that humanity is, for the most part, shitty in every corner of the land. People are filled with the same self-defeating insecurities, mind-numbing small talk banter, and cheerless moments spent with family members they can barely tolerate. It is with this knowledge in tow that Rick and Sarah made their way back to the studio, blind man Stonz accompanying, and sat down to the microphones, ready to return to our miserable land of depression, only to ask ourselves, did we ever really leave it at all? To that end, bask in our joyous light as we dance hither and thither with such epic topics as: Halloween themed condoms, fun with urine, bus stop syphilis, ambulance revenge, parrots who snitch, self-inflicted cinder block wounds, inadvertently fishing for drunks, your dominant ball, found guns, people who put sunblock in their eyes during the eclipse, whitewater rafting for the blind, unsightly folk, prostate fish, penis candles and crystal meth, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
HI! This is Ice and The Face #165 -8.16.17- and it is here to pick your mind-scabs! Tonight, Rick and Sarah, grab some shovels, wear bullet proof vests, and venture out into the jungles of normie-land. With our Rambo knives at the ready, we dig deep through the wet mud and mystery-dung of human behavior, gagging and dry heaving, to bring you some lighthearted this and that on such burning and itching topics as: Lift-tip contraception, unique bathroom troubles, blaming groundhogs for nefarious behavior, John Ritter’s testicles, a bear who stole a Subaru, police helicopters and nude people, burning your house down to get rid of bees, opiates and Pizza Hut, robberies gone wrong, Taco Bell Tabasco Pop Rocks, butt tubes for fireworks, Donkey sex diseases, doughnut burgers, mishaps shaving your nether region, married unknowing biological twins, strip club buffets, banging coconuts, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
Recently, within one single week, I drove behind three separate cars who applied their turn signal, and then, turned in the opposite direction. I found this problematic….but not right away. When it’s one person, I can be all like, “Uh…what an asshole.” I can accept any handful of human meteorites who absolutely HAD to cross my path because I seem to be a magnet for this sort of thing. However, even a magnet with this kind of Herculean strength should never witness this same dumbass identical event on three fucking separate occasions in one single week.
The second one happened. Blinker on, opposite turn. This is a huge and, I believe, understandable semi-slow, “What…the..fuck…” moment. It is a little shocking when it dawns on you that this JUST happened like a day or two ago. You start thinking things like, “Something is going on here. I’m going to tell so and so about this later…” And then, you may or may not remember to tell so and so later, but when the third fucking time happens…
When the third fucking time happens, you write articles about it because this is an event that just may illustrate a backslide in human progression. A reached peak. Why did it happen? Why did the stats change so suddenly? Were people on their phones? Are folks so wrapped up in themselves, they can’t muster the common courtesy of paying just enough attention to the outside world to guarantee a correct blinker selection? Or, are folks just slobbering garbage cans of meat and barely discernible thoughts melting in an invisible cloud of ever-expanding global radiation we used to just assume was oxygen?
I’d like to say it doesn’t matter. Just cap this off and accept it as three random similar dumb occurrences. Who knows? Maybe it’s not a sign of the apocalypse after all, but I know this; you can follow the rules all you want, but we are only SEMI-programmable chaos, so be careful when it comes to the human condition because nothing has ever actually happened until it’s actually happened.
YO! This is Ice and The Face #164 -8.5.17- and today, we embark on an epic journey of the mind, of the senses… of the heart. With the accompaniment of Sarah’s cousin, Krystal, we strap on our finest bear-pelts, spikiest post-apocalyptic ruffled bloomers, and head for the flaming hills of what was once referred to as “civilized society” wherein we tackle such explosive topics as: Anti-pervert flamethrowers, fixing your sinuses with butt stuff, touching other people’s food, over-wiping, drunk fish problems, porn store ponderings, cement face injections, wiley tourist complaints, NY orgasm stylists, undeclared meats, getting off to the Emoji Movie, confused crabs and unfortunate oyster imposters, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
Oh hey! THIS is Ice and The Face #163 -7.30.17- and it is here to cram its way inside your head and donkey punch your thoughts! Tonight, Sarah and Rick walk up to life’s bay window and have a seat, and together, we watch normie-living in awe and simultaneous horror! Careful not to be seen, we bear witness to a plethora of semi-human activities and for your pleasure, add a sort of DVD commentary, if you will, to fill your eager ears with an in depth look at such zany topics as: Goats, gelatin based diets, worshiping mutated animals, shirtless cab drivers, cab drivers with zany opinions, fake eyelashes and insects, a KFC nightclub, the emerging sex doll head market, sad facial recognition tech at Walmart, Prosecco pong, baby fight club, renting sex dolls, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!