Sarah’s Blog

Chronic

Sarah’s blog

Chronic

 

There are days, like the ones I have had lately, where the word “chronic” literally rings through my head every few minutes.  Constantly popping its head back up like a curse.  It is the word that engulfs my entire existence, and even during times when symptoms are a bit reduced, the truth of the word follows every action I manage to achieve.

Being in my mid-thirties, now, I have lived through seeing many people I know or are connected to, get ill from various illnesses;  some much rarer or confusing than others, and many of them very painful or complicated.  After finding treatment, going through the healing process, they continue on, somewhat changed and more grateful for their health, to live the rest of their lives.  I honestly can’t imagine what that might be like.  Of course I have had many temporary things wrong with me through the years, whether they were illness or injury, just like you probably have, but all those things, from the least to the most painful, are so very different than what it is like to have a chronic illness and chronic pain.

I think it is pretty human to get used to things as they are once they are the same for long enough.  I imagine this is why people say things like “time heals all wounds”, or “it gets easier every day”, when something terrible happens.  Obviously the idea is that the bad thing has happened, life is continuing on, and the longer you spend living back in that reality, the more the terrible thing starts to fade from your foremost thoughts and emotions.

I say that to try to impress on you the true heartbreak a life of chronic pain and illness carry along with it.  As symptoms flare and subside, which can happen for days, weeks, months, or even a year, we get used to the new reality.  If we are “lucky” enough to have something that has hurt for five years finally start to subside for a small amount of time, our human nature, the part that lets all wounds heal with time, cannot help but get used to that small new freedom.  It isn’t without complete skepticism, of course.  I am well aware that any one of my symptoms subsiding momentarily just means they will be back at some later point.  When that later point finally shows up, though, the heartbreak is hard to explain.  “Chronic” also means a life of chronic disappointment.  Something you could do last week isn’t necessarily going to be something you can do an hour from now.  When enough hours have passed, though, where you could do it, the moment it is snatched away again leaves a hole much bigger than the last time it happened.  The holes get so big over time that the abyss it creates swallows you, sometimes completely.

As you grow older with a chronic illness, you have to accept new losses completely outside of yourself.  When everyone I knew had just graduated high school and were planning to go to college, I was calling the admissions office of the school of my dreams to keep persuading them to push off my start date because at the time I had a home nurse and was on IV medicine.  I did this over and over again, so thoroughly determined to achieve this dream of mine.  Except that dream, and many more, would never really be achieved.  After so many delays I was finally told I would have to reapply for admission, understandably.  I never did.  I would never be in a position after that point where moving out of state, on my own, and doing every little thing from morning to night that every normal person does, would be achievable to me alone.

So you watch as everyone moves on to new aspects of their adulthood.  Exploring the things they love and discovering what might one day end up being their careers.  It happens around you much the same way you see those clips in movies where everyone in a city is moving sped up but the camera is focused on the one still person in the crowd.  You watch the entire world move and grow around you, and you do not grow with it.  You do not move on, you do not enter these different phases of life most adults you know do, because you simply cannot.  

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Are you afraid of the Dark? Are you?!

In case you didn’t know, I (Sarah) have run a comedy site called Spookymeat for about sixteen years, now.  I made the commitment, several years ago, to review every single terrible episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark?  So, with that said, here is both Rick and I’s review of the final episode of season one.  Head over to Spookymeat to check it out.

Sarah says some bloggy things in her bloggy thing.

Drink up, America!

Over the weekend I saw two things that really drove home the completely miserable state of affairs that is the human race.  Whilst driving to a place that serves alcohol, Rick and I were stopped at a light when I saw two men, probably in their mid-fifties, walking down the sidewalk.  One guy was carrying a metal canister that clearly read “GASOLINE” in big, red, ironic letters along the front.  I will also point out they were walking away from a gas station farther up the road, so, so far, it all makes sense.  The one guy, with an unlit cigarette hanging out of his troglodyte-like face, leaned forward, and with the same hand the gas canister was dangling from, he held up his hand to his mouth to guard from wind as he lit his cigarette with the other.  I started yelling about what a fucking moron he was, and his friend, in a shockingly clear-minded twist, grabbed the can from him in a quick, rebuking fashion. The last thing I saw before driving off were the two, stained-yellow shirt-wearing guys, both walking side by side, with their now-lit cigarettes hanging from their mouths, and the canister hanging from the friend’s meaty hand.  I took it as one of those “it can’t happen to me, gasoline only explodes in the faces of other idiots who light fires next to a large, fume-emitting can like this” moment.

The second thing I saw that made me reflect on the shittiness of humanity, was, not surprisingly, at the grocery store. Or, to be more exact, directly outside of the grocery store.  A tiny sparrow kept hopping back and forth to the middle of the walkway into the store, dodging the threatening feet of oblivious, retarded humans.  He was doing his damned best to eat an enormous gummy worm lying on the ground, probably dropped by some sticky, over-sugared, child.  The bird, whose natural food, in part, are worms was struggling to eat this technicolor chemical-nightmare, formed into the shape of something nature actually makes in bounties.  How fucked up.  That bird is all of us.  It’s a deep statement about us all.  Stop going for the food-shaped chemical shit storms, and get back to what our bodies were intended to thrive on.

I am happy to report that the gummy worm seemed massively too big for the tiny bird to get any part of, so at least he won’t go exploding, or whatever it is sparrows do when they eat our shitty human garbage.

Cheers.

-Sarah

Thanks for the well-wishes, PodernFam!

Hey you crazy cats, Sarah here. Just wanted to give a huge thank you to all the #PodernFamily peeps who sent me well-wishes after I bashed my cranium and body parts into sharp and heavy objects.  For those who don’t know the whole story, I’ll give a quick recap.  I have type-1 Diabetes, and woke up with extremely low sugar. With sugar that low a few things start to happen. As your body is using whatever glucose you have in you to fuel your heart so it continues to pump, other, less important things do not get glucose they need.

So, my ability to control emotion, make memories, or understand what the fuck is happening, is entirely impaired. Also, when it gets that low, walking around feels like being on one of those wiggly bridges at a funhouse. It is very hard to keep any balance, and with the fact that I was losing consciousness on top of everything else, getting to any form of sugar was a struggle I did not win.  I collapsed into a shelf, bashed my eyelid area open, looked down covered in blood, and no ability to stand. I crawled to the front door, managed to get it unlocked, and hung out into the apartment hallway screaming for help.  Cops and paramedics, along with an ambulance ride to the emergency room for a cat scan of my head, and a patch job, and I was able to leave.  The next day felt like I had been in a really fucked up car accident. I managed to obtain gashes on my head, my entire left cheek was a bruise, both knees bruised, the back of my right arm, my right elbow, my hip, lower back, and wrist were all bruised. I still am not entirely sure the creative way a person would need to fall to obtain all of those.

But either way, now you know how it all (literally) went down. And I can’t thank everyone enough for thinking of me and sending me messages.  We took a two week break, but now we are back in the groove and ready for action!  You guys are the best! #PodernFamily forevers!

You are all there is, now.

A sobering thought…

There will soon come a day when there is nobody left to fight endless wars, the degradation of the education system, militarized police, a surveillance state with no right to privacy, the inability to retain health against gluttonous companies who make money off of the sick, or politicians who scour and pollute their own land for profit, because there simply won’t be anyone left who has known it to be any other way.

The patriotic anesthetization of the status quo.

Thomas Cole: "The Course of an Empire"

Thomas Cole: “The Course of an Empire”

Wikileaks proves without a shadow of a doubt mass corruption in the DNC, with clear intentions on manipulating voters and the (supposedly) unbiased media.

Result: People calling for Assange to be assassinated, people blaming Russia for trying to manipulate the elections (ironically, by bringing to light the fact that the voters were being manipulated.)

Not a result: Society as a collective, aiming all that anger and blame towards the actual cause of the issues in the leaks.


Colin Kaepernick refuses to stand for the anthem because he feels black people are being oppressed in this country. Courageously uses the spotlight his athleticism has given him to address issues of people who barely get any spotlight at all.

Result: Idiots making videos of themselves burning jerseys, and memes being created insinuating that because he is a famous athlete he should just shut up (good way of implying someone is simply their job and not entitled to opinion or expression.)

Not a result: People applauding him for not giving a shit about what he stands to lose by speaking up on behalf of those who need to be heard.


Video after video of unarmed people being shot by police. Many are minorities, some are disabled and elderly.

Result: The public tries to dig up anything that seems bad about the person’s past in order to clearly make the implication that they somehow deserved it (underlying message being it is completely acceptable, as long as society deems someone to retroactively be an unsavory individual, for an officer to be a judge, jury, and executioner, instead of, say, an actual judge, jury, and executioner.)

Not a result: Society collectively coming together to dissect the institutional practices that allow for this to continue happening.


Due to a rising lack of jobs, and a lack of jobs that cover the cost of living, more and more people need food assistance or other types of assistance in order to feed themselves. For many, thanks to Clinton’s magical welfare reform, they cannot even get that much. They end up evicted, starving, sick, and homeless.

Result: Society blames poor people for not working hard enough (the implication being that if one person was lucky enough to get a good job, everyone else must have grown up in the same environment, the same privileges, the same opportunities), we jail the homeless, steal their belongings, erect stone spikes to keep them off our pretty little storefronts. People defend the companies instead of the people fighting for a rise in minimum wage, which hasn’t kept up with inflation in decades. Stories are spread like wildfire about “welfare queens” that are living in their palaces off of the public dollar (of course they do not bother actually reading any statistics on this, as the statistics would completely ruin the whole argument altogether.) People on assistance are shunned and ridiculed by the public, constantly enforcing the idea that if someone takes help, they were just too lazy to do it themselves.

Not a result: Society, as a collective whole, demands that every citizen in their country has the right to live, has the right to eat, has the right to even just the simple basics that most of the people complaining about take for granted every single day. Society as a whole demands that where there tax dollars are -actually- being abused (corporate welfare in the billions), be reigned in and eradicated.


It is proven without a doubt that the government spied on millions of its own citizens illegally.

Result: If you don’t have anything to hide, you don’t have anything to fear. Snowden is a traitor to the country.

Not a result: Snowden is a hero for putting himself in serious harm’s way in order to protect your privacy.


The pockets of people who have gone against the unfortunate status quo on these issues are commendable, but sadly lacking in numbers, comparably speaking. Racist, classist in-fighting and constant division of normal, everyday citizens is a manufactured product of the elite who know the more you pay attention to blaming your neighbor, the less you pay attention to the people who are truly taking money out of your pockets, taking education away from your kids, taking food off your tables, jobs out of existence, clean air and water for you to live in, and using your money to bomb and murder thousands of people off lands they deem profitable. Please do not let the propaganda win. We might be in the age of staggering electronic information available at any moment, but do not let that come at the price of reason and personal intellectualism. Because if we do not actually push out the propagandists now, the next war we have already started is not going to be a comfy newsreel away.

-Sarah

Independence Day


tv2Hey, today we recorded our very late episode 113!  It just happened to land on the 4th of July, so here it is, my first official blog post on IceandTheFace.com.  You will  have to click on the -more- link at the end to expand the entire post, not like you couldn’t figure that out, you internet-savvy so-and-so’s.

Cheers, good folks
-Sarah

I keep seeing flags posted all over the place like the earth puked up a bunch of rocket pops.  I have seen messages like “don’t forget to thank our troops”, don’t forget to thank our police…   don’t forget to give a moment of thanks for our freedoms.  I have started to feel that, in this country, you need only to say something loud enough, and enough times, (and adding fireworks to it helps, too, because explosives and America, ya know..) anyone will believe it, repeat it, celebrate its apparent existence, and spout out the pre-written aforementioned rhetoric.

Please, people… take a second to take some inventory.  Normal, average citizens have lost a way to see things as they truly are. And no matter what changes are being fought for at any given time, they are all inevitably pointless without one crucial foundation we have been brainwashed out of.  We will continue to be exploited, abused, bankrupted, sick with no hope for medicine or treatment, one check away from homelessness, no hope for a decent education; we will continue all of these things as long as we continue to let the small majority with power divide and conquer us.  When people see a woman buying groceries with food stamps, a good amount of people will scan her cart to make sure she isn’t buying something she isn’t worthy of.  If an activist stands up for an injustice in this country, they are more likely to be told “if you don’t like it then get out”, than they are to either hear “hey let’s research this, let’s fight this together for the good of all of us.” and even less than that will you hear “if you don’t like it, keep fighting for change, make this place better”. At one time, speaking out against the Iraq war meant you were labeled unpatriotic (whatever that means) and  a traitor.   And the us vs. us mentality, the plague of thought that divides us, grew and festered.

We are seeing an enormous new wave of racist violence, militarized police violence, and abuse from the highest forms of government.  We have allowed ourselves to be spied-on with the quick explanation of “well if you don’t have anything to hide you have nothing to worry about”, and we write off violent police by trying to demonize their victims, as if to say it is acceptable for police to be the judge jury and executioner of anyone.  

It is the system we have either elected-in, or were too lazy to stop; that lets murderers get away with murder, pedophile-priests to get shuffled from one job to the next, instead of to prison.  It is by our laziness we allowed a private prison system to be the new safe-word for slavery.  We sit and debate which criminal should be the leader of our country, instead of pushing for better, insisting and rioting for better!  

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