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Rick’s Blog

Left Blinker, Right Turn

Recently, within one single week, I drove behind three separate cars who applied their turn signal, and then, turned in the opposite direction. I found this problematic….but not right away. When it’s one person, I can be all like, “Uh…what an asshole.” I can accept any handful of human meteorites who absolutely HAD to cross my path because I seem to be a magnet for this sort of thing. However, even a magnet with this kind of Herculean strength should never witness this same dumbass identical event on three fucking separate occasions in one single week.


The second one happened. Blinker on, opposite turn. This is a huge and, I believe, understandable semi-slow, “What…the..fuck…” moment. It is a little shocking when it dawns on you that this JUST happened like a day or two ago. You start thinking things like, “Something is going on here. I’m going to tell so and so about this later…” And then, you may or may not remember to tell so and so later, but when the third fucking time happens…


When the third fucking time happens, you write articles about it because this is an event that just may illustrate a backslide in human progression. A reached peak. Why did it happen? Why did the stats change so suddenly? Were people on their phones? Are folks so wrapped up in themselves, they can’t muster the common courtesy of paying just enough attention to the outside world to guarantee a correct blinker selection? Or, are folks just slobbering garbage cans of meat and barely discernible thoughts melting in an invisible cloud of ever-expanding global radiation we used to just assume was oxygen?


I’d like to say it doesn’t matter. Just cap this off and accept it as three random similar dumb occurrences. Who knows? Maybe it’s not a sign of the apocalypse after all, but I know this; you can follow the rules all you want, but we are only SEMI-programmable chaos, so be careful when it comes to the human condition because nothing has ever actually happened until it’s actually happened.

Hot Dogs are People, Too?

For some reason that’s none of your business, I had to Google “hot dogs” and view the images provided. As I scrolled through hundreds of pieces of hot dog-related content, I began to notice a cultural anomaly evidently more popular than I had ever realized before: People LOVE to create faces on hot dogs. Oh, and it doesn’t end there- They also create arms and legs and tails and tongues, all while arranging them into poses and gestures. Hot dogs lay on plates looking sad, happy, terrified, crazed, and one was a zombie hot dog…which is weird, and I think there was a gosh darn fucking pirate in there. The realization came hard and swift: Regular folks really wig out on wiener night. It got me to thinking how it came to this.

Let’s just be honest here… hot dogs are ground up leftover dead animal balls and hoofs and shit. It’s carcass scrapings just edible enough not to kill you too quickly, taste amazing, and pair beautifully with just about any condiment, no matter how zesty. Here’s how they are created according to me and some other stuff about that: Once the meat-leavins are properly whipped into delicious seasoned meat paste, it’s all shoved, and more importantly, perfectly shaped, into a maniacally straight sock of intestine, and balloon-knotted at the ends. Take a good look; the very tips of hot dogs look like dueling assholes. Someday, I recommend giving a hot dog a good hard squeeze, maybe at a family Q to impress the neighbors, and see if the ends prolapse some meat out. It’s a lot of fun and the kids get all crazy and screamy about it. In my heart of hearts, I guess I don’t mind all of this because I’ve eaten plenty of hot dogs, but the more I dig into the mysteries of the subject, the more I think I’d now rather eat cigarettes.

So, what is going on with these hot dogs’ faces? Why do human normies feel the need to personify a meat tube that will presumably be chewed and swallowed? Is it because hot dogs are just a fat meat snack from a faceless source? Is it a dominance thing, like, I need to know there was a face on my food at some point, so here it is? I think if you mix enough meat together it’s no longer anything. It becomes something else. C’mon, lips and feet were never supposed to be blended together and called one thing. Therefore, it’s evolved, so NOW you can use your imagination to give it any kind of look you like! Your own perfectly invented meat-creature. But seriously, I don’t know for a fact that that is it. It may be so much deeper than that.

I find most of the faces created, and the embracement of hot dog culture, in general, to be sweet and lovable, despite the awfulness of the whole thing. Folks look jovial and proud, using mustard, relish, peppercorns, and other delicious crap to create a happy smiling hot dog friend who absolutely can’t wait to be crushed by your teeth and swallowed into your shit-brewery. It’s your nutritionless servant, proud to be devoured by you. There’s no pain, just joy. It’s a smile that you get to eat. A character you get to take within thine self as you would the eucharist. It’s not like any of us are out there curing cancer or anything, so this is one of life’s little poisonous achievements, and like the fetal stages of drug addiction, it provides great joy.

Now, get out there, doll up your wienees, and munch down one mysterious little friend after the next. I can’t think of a better method of dancing your way to a heart attack than to create happy faces to fartfully shit out later. AND with a little luck, and perhaps a bit of whimsy, one of these little fellows MAY come out smiling harder than it was going in, so don’t flush too eagerly and keep your cell at the ready!