YES! You came! This is Ice and The Face #158 -6.19.17- and it is here to throw hot sand into your mind’s eye! 😀 Tonight, Rick and Sarah join hands and go spelunking into the dank dark earth caves of normie life! Wearing hats with lights on them and swatting away the occasional bat, we do our best to wax philosophical on a laundry list of normie behaviors ranging all the way from hither to thither. Examples include: Cheap robot priests, why there’s no Uncle Day, shutting up your kids with potatoes, the intricacies of free-balling, testicles with love handles, shotguns that blast cereal, trying to make a quick get-away in first gear, Ken Ham’s stupid ark, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
Well look at YOU! THIS is Ice and The Face #157 -6.12.17- and it will bleed your mind’s feet until the demons have been exorcised! Tonight, Rick and Sarah huddle beneath a giant black storm cloud of normie activities and stand in absolute AWE, shielding ourselves with an iron umbrella, peeking out occasionally with eyes wide to subject our minds to the horrors of normie living in order unveil the dark truths on such jubilant topics as: Modest penises, politician porn preferences, issues with coughing, accidentally fighting crocodiles to impress girls, home dentistry at Wal-Mart, goose poop at Disney Land, Pirate Joe’s VS Trader Joe’s, habits that lead to break ups, professional fish hit men, emotional support attack dogs, people TOO excited for warm Bud Light, “underwater bridges”, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
What in the?! HEY, it’s Ice and The Face #156 -6.2.17- and it is here to fix your mouth and face up all bright! Tonight, Rick and Sarah welcome back, person we know, Stonz! Together, we erect a tent beneath the apocalyptic mushroom clouds of day to day life, and whilst rocking back and forth, humming along to the war drums of irate normies, we chuckle warmly and deliver our views on topics as million-dollar-strong as: Kids and the end times, Carl theories, glass eyes and whatnot, unexpected porn search misspellings, porning with bros, fishing with McNuggets, mistakes with cocaine, man-sized penguins, saving boogers, booger-sculptures, birds who deliver ecstasy pills, penguin fighting, cycling mistakes, eating your own toes, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
For some reason that’s none of your business, I had to Google “hot dogs” and view the images provided. As I scrolled through hundreds of pieces of hot dog-related content, I began to notice a cultural anomaly evidently more popular than I had ever realized before: People LOVE to create faces on hot dogs. Oh, and it doesn’t end there- They also create arms and legs and tails and tongues, all while arranging them into poses and gestures. Hot dogs lay on plates looking sad, happy, terrified, crazed, and one was a zombie hot dog…which is weird, and I think there was a gosh darn fucking pirate in there. The realization came hard and swift: Regular folks really wig out on wiener night. It got me to thinking how it came to this.
Let’s just be honest here… hot dogs are ground up leftover dead animal balls and hoofs and shit. It’s carcass scrapings just edible enough not to kill you too quickly, taste amazing, and pair beautifully with just about any condiment, no matter how zesty. Here’s how they are created according to me and some other stuff about that: Once the meat-leavins are properly whipped into delicious seasoned meat paste, it’s all shoved, and more importantly, perfectly shaped, into a maniacally straight sock of intestine, and balloon-knotted at the ends. Take a good look; the very tips of hot dogs look like dueling assholes. Someday, I recommend giving a hot dog a good hard squeeze, maybe at a family Q to impress the neighbors, and see if the ends prolapse some meat out. It’s a lot of fun and the kids get all crazy and screamy about it. In my heart of hearts, I guess I don’t mind all of this because I’ve eaten plenty of hot dogs, but the more I dig into the mysteries of the subject, the more I think I’d now rather eat cigarettes.
So, what is going on with these hot dogs’ faces? Why do human normies feel the need to personify a meat tube that will presumably be chewed and swallowed? Is it because hot dogs are just a fat meat snack from a faceless source? Is it a dominance thing, like, I need to know there was a face on my food at some point, so here it is? I think if you mix enough meat together it’s no longer anything. It becomes something else. C’mon, lips and feet were never supposed to be blended together and called one thing. Therefore, it’s evolved, so NOW you can use your imagination to give it any kind of look you like! Your own perfectly invented meat-creature. But seriously, I don’t know for a fact that that is it. It may be so much deeper than that.
I find most of the faces created, and the embracement of hot dog culture, in general, to be sweet and lovable, despite the awfulness of the whole thing. Folks look jovial and proud, using mustard, relish, peppercorns, and other delicious crap to create a happy smiling hot dog friend who absolutely can’t wait to be crushed by your teeth and swallowed into your shit-brewery. It’s your nutritionless servant, proud to be devoured by you. There’s no pain, just joy. It’s a smile that you get to eat. A character you get to take within thine self as you would the eucharist. It’s not like any of us are out there curing cancer or anything, so this is one of life’s little poisonous achievements, and like the fetal stages of drug addiction, it provides great joy.
Now, get out there, doll up your wienees, and munch down one mysterious little friend after the next. I can’t think of a better method of dancing your way to a heart attack than to create happy faces to fartfully shit out later. AND with a little luck, and perhaps a bit of whimsy, one of these little fellows MAY come out smiling harder than it was going in, so don’t flush too eagerly and keep your cell at the ready!
THIS is Ice and The Face #155 -5.26.17- and it is ready for a nice romantic evening at home with you and the misses. Tonight we walk, hand in hand in hand, with our magnanimous life-partner, Tony Tedesco, and take a soul-journey through the wasteland of human confusion and depravity, and in the end, climb to heights hitherto unclimbed. Join us as we reach climactic expanses of the human mind pit with such topics as: Stubble in HD, smelling your finger, used breast implants, plastic surgery on Ebay, male sex toys that are desert-ready, pubic hair stencils and fun, dead cats and used freezers, sex in ancient China, enlarged sperm necklaces, stealing security systems to cover nefarious behaviors, pumping your own gas and violence, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
Giddyup, cowpokes! This is Ice and The Face #154 -5.18.17- and tonight we mount and straddle the most perplexing of human phenomena. Joined by our esteemed colleague, Mr. John Lacki, we strap on our favorite snap bracelets, lower our goggles, and really dig in there. “In where?” you’re asking yourself. Good question And as someone far wiser than I once said; there’s only one way to find out. You’re gonna need shoes for this. Join us as we whip and whinny through such awesome topics as: Children and awfulness, walking on Crocodile River, suing your date for texting, some things that stopped folks mid-coitus, not smiling for a reason, the mystery of frowning, the frork and other mind-blowing food ideas, wild snake kissing, picking your toes for food, ruining a corner of your room with body stuff, going to market with mom’s head, unused human egg jewelry, cocaine and Taco Bell, sologamy, shushing your neighbors with bodily waste, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
CIAO! This is Ice and The Face #153 -5.12.17- and it will steam your sticky buns! Tonight, along with Stonz, the sightless wanderer, Rick and Sarah clog-dance into eternity on the backs of the forlorn. Join us as we go galloping forward, stalwart and resilient, into the uncharted depths of the pitiful and pockmarked human mindscape, to uncover truths on such heated and contested topics as: A theoretical Willy Wonka condom factory, whether or not Oompa Loompas are human enough, fun with bears, contact lenses with feces on them, smelling your finger for the greater good, unintentionally uncomfortable things adults say, people killed by cows, when mimes are shot, if you could choose someone to eat you after you die, spandex, fun with cat urine, moonshiner-shoes, faking eating breakfast to escape the law, the thing the singer Meatloaf wouldn’t do for love, when you wander into a furry convention by accident, and whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
This is Ice and The Face #152 -5.4.17- and we will NOT be juggled with like a small sack of beans! Tonight, Sarah and Rick welcome back the original Ice and The Face guest, Mandrew! Hop aboard our sinking ship of misery as we traverse the murky abyss of the human psyche. By the end of our mind-journey, we guarantee you a feeling of refreshing newness, an almost virginal awakening. We’ll call it life-douching. And nobody does life-douching better than we do. Join us, as we deeply discuss burning social topics such as: Problems with public restrooms, trouble with urinals, wiping back to front, wiping while standing straight up, lube jewelry, problems with fake service dogs, adult toys and cleanliness, graveyard flowers for resale, alcohol and Nebraska, testicle applied face makeup, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
Hey good lookin’! THIS is Ice and The Face #151 -4.28.17- and it will rip your still beating heart from your chest and hold it up and show it to you before you die! Tonight, Sarah and Rick welcome long-term friend, Stonz! Together, we put on our polka-dot boots and wade knees-deep through the ever-expanding sewers of human thoughts and behaviors. Thus, with all our strength, we hold on tight to the very net of sanity, and as one unit, drag the very bottom of the sludge pit, pulling ashore such absolutely pee-burning topics as: When a condom isn’t enough, the ins and outs of an unexpected dark arse, fun with donkeys, see-through plastic pants, dirty pants for sale, a mistake by ADIDAS, babies grown in bags, a boy who got hosed and learned his lesson, when community outreach goes weird, sexy carp calendars, beers for the homeless, we learn what happens when your hand gets stuck in a toilet, golf balls in your hash browns, and a whole lot more! Thank you all very much for listening!
In case you didn’t know, I (Sarah) have run a comedy site called Spookymeat for about sixteen years, now. I made the commitment, several years ago, to review every single terrible episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? So, with that said, here is both Rick and I’s review of the final episode of season one. Head over to Spookymeat to check it out.